Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
