Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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