Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Less talking, more tequila
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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