just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
