He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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