So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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