Soap is not a condiment
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
