I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
