oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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