someone threw a dead crab at me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize