It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
