I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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