No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
BRING THE BAGELS
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
