the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
