This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
