I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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