Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I queefed so loud it echoed.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
