You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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