Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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