You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
