I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
