Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
