I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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