thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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