Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
