Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
