bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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