I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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