When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
