I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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