Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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