I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
