you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
