Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
