Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
