And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
