ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
