Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize