fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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