i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize