Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
