My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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