she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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