Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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