3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
40s are totally the cure
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
