Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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