Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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