I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
