i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
