Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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