hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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