hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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