I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
