that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
