i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
