My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You pole danced in your parka.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
